Magical Assbabies
by Sashocirrione
Summary: L has a plan to get rid of Rem, but when it doesn't quite get the results he wanted, he turns to a very bizarre backup plan. LxLight, sort of.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **"Magical Assbabies"

**Author: **Sashocirrione

**Spoilers: **MAJOR Spoilers for everything up to chapter 58 of the manga and episode 25 of the anime.

**Warnings: **NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for a reason. Sexual situations, coarse language, drug use. Mpreg (sort of, in the parody kind of way) and some definite moments of OOC. Crack fiction. Sexual misconduct and disrespect of trans issues.

**Summary: **L has a plan to get rid of Rem, but when it doesn't get the results he wanted, he turns to a very bizarre backup plan.

**Pairings: **LxLight, sort of

**Additional Notes: **All canon events previous to anime episode 25 (manga chapters 57-58) have occurred as normal.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

L began stacking sugar cubes on the rim of his coffee cup, a delicate tower ready to fall inward at any moment, and considered what to do for the next step. Things were at a standstill, but Light had to make a move soon. What would Light do now that everything had changed so much? It was critical to either figure out Light's new plan, or to make a move that would force Light to act.

Really, the shinigami had been entirely too interested in the situation, not acting like a neutral party at all. Rem's actions of staring at Misa on the monitors, as if Misa weren't a stranger, and her evasive answers whenever important questions were asked, it all added up to a lot of trouble just waiting to happen. It had been obvious that Rem was somehow at least partly on the side of Kira.

To test this theory, L had pretended to go along with what Light and the rest of the task force wanted. He'd pretended to believe the 13-day rule. And then, he'd brought in the idea that he was actually just a proxy for the real L, and that the real L didn't approve of how things were going and wanted to inspect headquarters.

He'd had an entire fake argument with the fake L over a computer link, and then, on the day of the visit, he'd made sure the decoy was actually a criminal scheduled to be executed on that day. The fake L insisted that the 13-day rule needed to be tested, and everyone else argued against him.

That's when it happened. The shinigami had snuck away, and the fake L died of a heart attack immediately after. L organized a search for the shinigami, and in an equipment closet where the cameras had mysteriously shorted out, discovered a pile of sand and another notebook, this one with no rules written in it, but with the fake L's real name written down.

L hadn't been fast enough to prevent anyone from touching it. Matsuda had carelessly grabbed the notebook, so now there was no chance of testing the rule about destroying the notebook by using a criminal condemned to death. It was a shame. If only Matsuda hadn't touched it, a criminal could have been the only one to touch it, and then it could have been burned. And, if it turned out to be safe, then both cursed notebooks could be destroyed without delay.

Although L considered it fairly clear that the shinigami had killed in a way that could only be about protecting Light or Misa, or perhaps both, the other investigators did not agree, and there was currently no way to prove that. The deaths had stopped when the fake L died. The shinigami was missing too.

Either Rem did not care about dropping an additional notebook, or she had somehow turned into that sand. The sand was in a special room, being constantly monitored for any change. A surprise search of Misa's apartment had turned up nothing, and keeping Misa under constant surveillance for two weeks had also turned up nothing. Everyone else was getting impatient about Misa's rights and privacy being violated.

Light would do something. Was it his intent to wait out the situation? L placed one last sugar cube on the tower he was building on the rim of his cup, and watched the entire structure teeter and fall inward with a satisfying series of plops. Light was no closer to being proven as Kira than he ever had been. Suspicious circumstances, no matter how many of them there were, did not add up to proof. What was really needed was either catching Light in the act of killing or somehow forcing him to confess.

Testing the 13-day rule was a possibility, but the shinigami had killed for that reason before, and there was no telling if she was going to suddenly show up and kill for that again. Besides, proving the 13-day rule false would simply put Light under exactly as much suspicion as he'd been under before Higuchi had been located. It wouldn't actually prove Light was Kira. It would be justification for investigating Light further, but without the deaths continuing, Light would simply wait out any investigation by doing nothing. Light was smart enough to know when he was being watched, and the result would be exactly the same as it had been before, when 64 cameras had been placed in Light's room. Light would reveal nothing.

What was needed now was an unexpected move, something that would shock Light and unbalance him, putting him in a situation where he'd be likely to make a mistake. If a situation could be created like that, especially if Light wasn't able to rely on his intelligence but was forced to act a certain way regardless of whether it was a good idea or not, then there was a chance of at last obtaining the desired proof.

L thought about various scenarios, finding all of them flawed. No matter what, it would be difficult to catch Light. If the killings had still been continuing, it would be far simpler, but without that, there were only a few possible tricks that could be pulled, and all of them were desperate.

Yes, and considering everything, the trick that was most likely to work was quite unethical. The other investigators would need to be talked into it. It was the best hope, though, of getting any proof soon. It would need to be done. There wasn't much choice, and everyone was running out of time. Letting Light pull a trick first would probably be lethal.

As L sipped his sweetened coffee, he thought, _Yes, it is time to do something radical and unexpected._

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

I think you can perhaps guess where it is going from the title, but I hope to still surprise a little.

This is another one of those short fics that I sometimes can't help producing when I'm hard at work on my longer fics and I just need to take a rest now and then and work on something different to get the creativity flowing again.

I like the idea of L realizing that Rem could be on Kira's side (in canon he had all the clues he needed to guess at that) and deciding that he didn't need to outsmart Light, only to outsmart Rem. And then pulling some trick on her such as this. It's an idea that really could work well in a longer fic, however I haven't yet been inspired to write something longer centered around that idea, so I decided to put it in a short fic instead.

This fanfic is not being uploaded to my adult fan fiction dot net account, because that archive has very strict rules that forbid most parodies and I don't want my entire account there to get banned because of this fic.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

After lunch, everyone left gradually, one by one, on various errands. At last, Light saw that Matsuda and L were the only others remaining.

_Odd. It's rare for so few of us to be here. Well, maybe now that the deaths have stopped, they think there is nothing to investigate. Certainly, going over every email Yotsuba employees sent out over the last few months is proving to be tedious work. _

_I need to dig up Misa's death note and get it into the hands of a safer proxy than Misa, but when will L no longer have people secretly trailing me every time I leave? Well, he'll slip up sooner or later. He's already slipped up once, when I managed to get that coded message to Misa for her to bury her death note and give up her memories. It's only a matter of time until L does it again._

The vast quantity of entirely pointless emails Light was examining started to numb his mind. The inner workings of the Yotsuba corporation were complex and tedious, and he knew entirely too much about them.

_Maybe I need a break too. But, if I don't stay beside L as much of the time as possible, it'll be easier for him to launch plans against me. This way I have at least some hint of what he might be doing._

Light was barely aware of Matsuda being scolded for bringing too many cups of coffee to L, and then L dismissing Matsuda for the afternoon because there was nothing for him to do either, not without the others. Light became almost hypnotized by the cycle of clicking with the mouse, scrolling, and then typing a short note for the database as each particular email was filed away as one that had been looked at. He watched the movements of his hands and fingers in a detached way. There was something about the cyclical process, and the tapping sounds of the keys, that drew his attention.

Light started pressing more keys, seeing how they sounded, faster, then slower.

What did the underside of a computer keyboard look like? Light couldn't remember. It had been a long time. He flipped it over and started playing with the little legs that adjusted the angle of the keyboard between two positions. The legs made interesting sounds too, a little snip-click as they slid from one position to another. It was very satisfying. Light giggled.

For a moment he had the sense that something was wrong, terribly wrong, but then that thought faded as he started running both hands over the smooth plastic on the underside of the flipped-over keyboard, reveling in the hardness and the almost-slick feel of his fingertips gliding over the surface. They barely made a sound at all, so he started humming in time with each stroke of a fingertip.

Yes, this was a musical instrument of some kind, able to provoke humming from his throat. He adjusted to a slightly different tone for each finger, and lay his head down on the counter to get a better view, from very close. He closed one eye and then another as he continued to play, watching the perspective change. If he looked down and crossed his eyes, he could just see the blurry tip of his nose. It was so nice. He felt warm and comfortable and very happy. Nothing could go wrong now. He sank into the bliss of it, and the time seemed to stretch on endlessly.

Light was stirred out of his thoughts by a hand on his elbow. He looked up into L's face and then down again to L's hand. It really was a delicate hand, the long fingers splayed, grasping just slightly.

L said, "Light, how are you feeling? You must be bored."

Light plucked at the edge of L's sleeve and then brought his face close to it, close enough to see the weave of the fabric.

Light said, "Your sleeve, it's so white!"

Light played with the edge of the sleeve, flipping it back and forth, and then rolling it up slightly to display L's pale wrist. He became fascinated with the delicate bones, the two nubs that could be felt and seen on the edges, the warm pulse that could be detected by pressing just so, and the spidery palest blue veins visible on the underside.

L said, "Light, let's go to the couches. I think you need to lie down."

Light looked up into that pale face looming over him. "Yes. That would be nice."

Then he turned his attention back to L's sleeve, but the entire arm was retreating away. Light watched it go, immensely sad, and then remembered he was invited to follow it. Yes. Light stood up from the chair and followed L to the couches under the stairs. He sat down directly across from L, and looked upward.

The stair steps were perfectly clear, and they refracted the light beautifully, giving a distorted, jagged view of the ceiling above. Light swung his head around in circles wildly, looking and looking, humming slightly to himself again. Wait, there had been something. Something very nice. Light focused his gaze on L, directly across from him on the other couch, a tiny coffee table between them.

Light said, "L, I want to see your wrist. It's really great!"

Without waiting for an answer, Light jumped onto the coffee table and then, with another small jump, right onto the couch beside L. Did L look alarmed? Light settled in, snickering. Yes, L deserved to be frightened. He should be scared of Kira.

Light pulled his legs to his chest in an imitation of L and kept giggling, the noise at last getting so continuous he could hardly breathe and had to force himself to stop. It was hard, though. Little giggles kept bubbling out at the most inappropriate times.

_Wait. The couch was for lying down, wasn't that what L had said? _

Light stretched himself out, but there wasn't enough room. He pushed at L, and then when the man tried to get up out of the way, grabbed him tightly, pulling him back.

Light said, "No, you're not getting away."

In a few more moves, Light had stretched himself out, and forced L's legs down, so Light's head was cradled in the center of L's lap. Light looked up into those wide black eyes, and he seemed to be drawn into those depths. He wiggled, squirming in place, wondering what L was thinking. The crystal clear stair steps with their pretty refractions were just above L's head, but somehow L himself was drawing all the attention.

Light felt something like a tightness in his chest, and he wanted to brush the hair out of L's eyes. Light reached up with that intention, but then his hand got sidetracked halfway up L's face and instead started pushing the tip of L's nose back and forth.

Suddenly, L grabbed Light's wrist and said, "We're friends, aren't we? Why don't we talk for a little while?"

Light felt an overwhelming love suffusing him, a deep contentment with the situation. L's legs underneath him were so warm, and as he gazed up into L's face, he thought that he'd never seen anything so perfect. It was much better than the wrist. He had the urge to kiss and squeeze and stroke, to bunch up the front of that white shirt in one fist and violently pull L down to lick and explore that mouth.

Light giggled and then said, "You're my best friend ever. I love you so much!"

Light spread his arms as wide as he could. "I love you more than this much. I can't help it. You're such a cute little panda bear!"

"Good," L said, "I feel the same way."

Light frowned. There was something wrong with this. It was a nagging feeling, somewhere deep inside. Like a little inner voice whispering things, but he couldn't understand the words. He looked up again, into L's eyes, and suddenly he knew what was wrong.

Light said, "Let's tell each other our real names, and then we'll know we can trust each other. I'm Light Yagami."

L said, "Yes, I know. I'm... I'm..."

L brought a thumb to his mouth and nibbled it slightly. "I'm Larry Lardbucket."

Light stared up at L. He could hardly believe it. L really did, really must, trust him. No, it was more than that, going far beyond mere trust. To risk or give up the entire Kira mission, L must love, truly love, in return.

There could be no secrets now. And, it was time to tell the most important one. Light suddenly felt shy. He reached up and tangled his arms in L's shirt, his fingers digging in and bunching in the fabric.

Light said, "I want to have your babies."

L seemed frozen in place, tense for a moment before relaxing. Light continued, "I want your penis in my ass. I want to feel it sliding in and out, and I want to feel you coming inside me. I want to get pregnant with your babies over and over again, feel them growing inside me, and then give birth to them and we can raise them together."

L was still looking down, nibbling his thumb. What was he thinking? Light gave him a big smile.

Light said, "I want your babies so badly. Kiss me."

L started to lean over. Was that the start of a kiss? Light grabbed L's shirt hard, yanking him down and pressing his lips upward against those warm lips. Light tried to force his tongue in but merely ending up licking L's teeth, clamped closed against him in a firm barrier. Light ate at that mouth furiously, swimming in a haze of building lust, feeling the heat pooling in his groin. He buried his hands in the depths of L's hair and pulled down as far as he could, while also leaning up.

Then Light found a hand curling around the side of his neck, L's fingers cool and soft, touching lightly, and then L finally opened his mouth and started kissing back. Light moaned at the feeling of connecting, each sharp thrust of his tongue against L's tongue sending surges of sparks into his hardening penis, and then he broke the kiss and tried to wriggle into a new position of not merely having his head on L's lap, but his entire body.

As he repositioned himself, Light said, "L, I want you to stick it in me now. I want to get pregnant with our child."

Light squirmed in L's lap, rubbing his erection against L's stomach. Each movement set off a little jolt of pleasure, and he couldn't wait, he could hardly imagine waiting.

L softly said, "That's not possible. You'd need a womb for that. Unless they're magical assbabies. But we should talk about our future. What should we do about the Kira problem?"

Oh, that. That was important, wasn't it? Well, L was trustworthy now. He'd proven himself. Light felt a feeling of satisfaction, a kind of lazy warmth spread through his entire body. There was still some kind of nagging thought, but it was almost completely silenced now, buried beneath layers of hormones. It couldn't have been that important. Light drifted off. The pretty, crystal-like edges of the transparent stairs had caught his attention again, and his eyes traced the fragmented, refracted shapes of the ceiling panels as seen through them.

L said, "Light?"

"Oh, sorry, L... I mean, Larry."

Light tried to gather the thoughts together in his mind, everything he needed to tell the story, but he wasn't quite sure where to begin and L had to prompt him several more times before he started.

Then, when Light did start talking about being Kira, it felt as if random things were being blurted out in no particular order and without the connecting parts. L didn't seem to mind. He looked fascinated, gazing in rapt attention. The only times he interrupted was when Light found himself talking about babies or sex again, or when Light got caught up in a long giggling fit. There were more and more of those.

It was just so freeing to suddenly be talking openly about this, it was crazy, and real, and everything Light had been secretly wanting. To pour out the full truth to L, and have him not be running off to get the handcuffs. It was a giddy, buoyant sensation, as if a weight had been lifted away.

Still, Light found himself getting more and more confused about things. It felt like a losing battle, to even try to tell about things in the order they happened, and all those plans for what to do, had they really been so complicated? It was so odd. Things were becoming weird. It must be because of being a couple with L now. Yes, that was it.

Light started humming. The shapes of the ceiling tiles were drawing his gaze more and more. He felt a tremendous peace radiating from them. The strange warmth had spread to all his limbs. He wiggled his toes lazily. He was almost completely unaware when Watari came in, and then he was only barely able to focus on the old man because Watari was talking to L.

In reply, L said, "Yes, I think the time of coherency is completely gone. Please help me put him away, and call the others."

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

Well, one more chapter to go. I hope I was able to get a little bit of surprise in there.

I chose "Larry Lardbucket" as L's fake name as a homage to some of the weird names produced by the Death Note canon, such as Ill Rat (in the SPK), Blues-harp Babysplit (in the "Another Note" novel) and Knick Staek (one of the other FBI agents sent to Japan along with Raye Penber), and many more of equal ridiculousness.

"Larry Lardbucket" is also a reference to how L would look if he didn't have a lightning-fast metabolism. He'd be fat.

I'm really glad that canon L's real name ended up being something cool, and not something incredibly stupid/silly.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

For a long time, Light was aware of very little, but he did see where Watari and L were bringing him. He wasn't too absorbed in exploring the texture of the skin on the backs of his knuckles to tell where he was going; he just didn't care.

When the caring part began to return, Light was in a hospital bed in the unused-until-now medical ward in the basement of headquarters, with workers he didn't know swarming around him. For some time they'd been regularly drawing blood, checking his breathing, shining a bright light in each eye and in general being a pain. When Light's sluggish thoughts began to move a bit better, he supposed that L must have hired them and brought them in.

There was a point at which Light knew he'd been drugged. It was during the process of coming down from the high, when the realization of the sheer enormity of what had happened hit all at once, as a kind of horrified insight, while awareness of the environment around was improving, but before clear thought had returned.

Light's head was throbbing, and his mouth felt distinctly fuzzy inside no matter how many times he tried to spit whatever it was out or wipe it away. He knew enough to stay quiet and not say anything.

When Light thought of what L must have done, of how criminal it was and how much had been ruined, completely ruined, he wanted to scream and beat his fists against the mattress. But, he thought of the cameras, and of how he just needed to wait until his thinking became clearer and then something could be accomplished. Light Yagami did not give up. No, he did not. There had been desperate situations before, and escape had always been possible.

Finally, the medical workers went away. Light tried to rest, tried to pull his thoughts together into something that didn't feel like a jumbled mess, but before he could make any progress, L entered the room.

Light hissed, "You," and sat up, only then realizing that padded cuffs were around each wrist, chaining him to the bed.

L said nothing, but simply moved a chair over to the side of Light's bed and then climbed into it, placing his hands on top of his knees as he settled in. Light was shivering with humiliation, barely able to contain his burning need to kill L. He wanted to rant and scream, but instead he tried to hold his words. He had a sick feeling deep in his stomach. The act of speaking couldn't be trusted; words had been torn from him against his will before.

L said, "I already suspected most of what you told me, but I had no idea you were so interested in being a mother."

Before Light could stop himself, he said, "I'm... I'm not. You, you're the one who drugged me and molested me. What happened?"

L said, "The drugs don't affect your memory. You know perfectly well what happened. You confessed to being Kira. And, I didn't molest you. I could barely keep you from stripping my clothes off."

"You made me do it."

"I'm sorry. It was wrong."

_What does L mean it was wrong? That bastard can't pretend to apologize now. It's a trick. All of it is a trick._

Light didn't trust himself to talk, but it had happened twice now, words spilling out. It wasn't bad, was it? Well, not confessing to being Kira any more probably meant the effect had worn off enough, at least enough to avoid big mistakes. And, Misa's refusal to say a word for three days after her initial capture had been one of the things that made L so sure she must be guilty. Talking was now necessary.

Light focused carefully on the situation. Asking questions couldn't be bad, right? He said, "Sodium pentathol?"

"No. I used a top-secret mixture of three drugs. Your inhibitions are lowered, and so is your sense of danger or caution. At the same time, you feel as if everything is wonderful. If the subject is questioned in a relaxed setting instead of an interrogation room, by a friend or family member, then there is approximately a fifty percent chance of getting a confession."

Light coldly said, "You're lying. There's nothing like that."

"I'm afraid there is," L said, "but there is a risk for liver damage and kidney failure even from one dose."

"You... that's immoral... you drugged me, so I would conform to your sick fantasies about me being Kira and wanting you sexually."

"It was an ethical failure. I will be paying your medical expenses for the rest of your life regardless of whether you have been damaged by the drugs or not, but that doesn't excuse what I did. I also lied to the rest of the investigation team about the risks until after I finished my interrogation. They never would have agreed to go that far otherwise. They are quite angry with me for deceiving them, but they're also angry with you for being Kira."

"I'm not Kira. You made me talk nonsense. Complete nonsense. Don't think you've won."

L shuffled in his chair slightly, scratching one foot with the toes of his other foot, and said, "You wouldn't be talking about which of us has won unless you are Kira. If you were innocent, we'd be on the same side."

_No, I won't let him do this. He's still interrogating me. I need to recover more fully before I decide what to say. There must be a way to get out of this._

Light turned away, rolling onto his side. He said, "I'm not playing your sick games any more. Go away."

L said, "As you wish," and in the next moments, Light heard the sound of L's bare feet, receding from the room.

Light sighed, resisting the urge to wipe at his mouth to remove the furry feeling inside it, and pretended to be trying to go to sleep while furiously thinking. Things were still muddled, and the pounding headache was difficult to think around. It would be best not to develop a plan right away, but to rest and recover for a longer time.

Shit! Liver and kidney damage? Was L serious? No, it was best not to think too much about that. But, it could be played for what it was worth. Light allowed the pain to show on his face, and tried to make his movements like those of a seriously ill person desperately seeking sleep. There were certainly cameras around, and someone other than L would watch the video feeds of this.

_If L is telling the truth, probably everyone will be watching as much as possible from now on. They will want to protect me. Especially Dad._

Light continued the act of being in more physical pain than he really was until his head began to clear, and then he went to work on his plan while he closed his eyes and pretended to rest. By the time L returned again with news of the investigation team successfully digging up Ryuk's death note, the plan was firmly in place.

It really was possible to talk your way out of almost anything, if you were smart enough. The Naomi Misora incident was proof of that. It was important to never back down, and to use every bit of charisma, every piece of available information. On L, it wouldn't work very well, but it was a different matter for everyone else. And, everyone else could be manipulated to undermine L's authority. L had made a terrible mistake that left him open to attacks on his morality and character.

No matter what questions were asked, Light pretended to know nothing about Ryuk or his death note, even as preparations began for a trial. He put on the act of a charming perfect son and good student who was blamelessly drawn into something he didn't understand and then had been abused by L.

Light didn't have a good excuse for why his drugged ramblings had revealed the location of another death note, but with enough talking, a bad excuse could sound plausible. Light emphasized the fact that part of L's case rested on the idea of memory manipulation, but if Kira could play with people's minds, then who knows what Kira could do? Why not slip some information in someone's mind, as part of a plan to control and trick?

No, it wasn't a very good excuse, but Light kept at it, pouring all his charm into it, bringing up lots of little points in his favor. And, he saw doubt in the eyes of everyone except L. It wasn't completely working, but it would perhaps be enough.

Still, when Light was trying to go to sleep at night, his hands often curled into fists under the covers, and he wanted to kill L for probably destroying the Kira mission. Because of L, the struggle had most likely become just a fight to survive instead of a fight to remain Kira. Starting the judgments again would be nearly impossible.

L had all the death notes locked away in some high-security safe at another location, and there was no more scrap of paper in the watch to use, either. Light had swallowed that to destroy the evidence after killing Higuchi. Escape from his cell was impossible. L expected that, and he'd taken many precautions. And, even with escape, there was no plan that would work. The only thing to do was to get through the trial.

It was a secret trial, arranged by Interpol. They did not want Kira to become a martyr, or for Kira supporters to try to break Kira free. Light used every trick he had of emotion and logic, all combined into a smooth whole. And, when the other investigators testified, the doubts Light had implanted showed in their tone of voice and the way they answered questions.

The confession video itself was also a point partly in Light's favor. It had been obtained via illegal means, which in some countries would get the entire case thrown out, but not here in this secret international court. Yet the jurors were clearly made uncomfortable by the entire thing, and Light himself was even amazed at how incoherent and rambling he'd been, much worse than he remembered. The directions for where to dig up Ryuk's death note hadn't been very good. No wonder it had taken them so long to find it. That incoherence could be easily exploited to support his position, that he was a pawn of Kira and not Kira himself.

By the end of the trial, Light was almost sure he knew the verdict before it was even read. After all, people were easy to predict. Still, he did have some knots in his stomach as the moment approached, along with an illogical urge to run for it. He breathed a sigh of relief as he was judged not guilty, and then listened to the reasons why. It followed every bit of logic he'd used to build the case for his innocence.

But, it also contained provisions. Light would be the first suspect investigated if the murders began again, and his life would always be monitored by government agencies. They wouldn't have cameras where he lived, but he would be followed around when he was in public, and every bit of paperwork regarding him, from bank statements to his grades, would be filed away for possible investigation later. The court stated that even if Light were merely a pawn of Kira, it would be unreasonable to ignore him completely. A pawn who hadn't been killed by Kira might be used again.

After the trial ended, L called Light into a private room for one last meeting.

Light still had to urge to jump at L, knock him to the ground, and strangle him. Instead, he tried to keep the anger off his face as L approached, just showing him some disdain.

Light coldly said, "I suppose you're behind this idea that I should always be monitored."

"No. Interpol will do that themselves. They don't want me to have anything to do with your case unless the Kira killings start again, and then I will be monitored by their agents to make sure I don't violate your rights again."

"L, I know you. You'll continue to investigate me secretly, won't you?"

"Unlike you, Kira, I do not pursue acquitted criminals. You are innocent of your past crimes according to the justice system, and I will accept that. This does not mean I will tolerate additional murders."

Light said, "I'm not Kira!"

As if he hadn't heard anything, L continued, "You have lost, Kira. Even if you still manage to kill me, others will pursue you. One of the notebooks has already been destroyed, and the other two will be burned today. Unless you are extremely lucky or unless the gods of death favor you, I don't think you'll ever get a fourth notebook."

_My memories... destroyed so soon. I'll become normal? What is there for me after this?_

Light said, "You really won't be watching over me anymore?"

"Are you hoping I will? You do want my babies, after all. I'm heterosexual, Light. I would not be interested in you unless you had a sex change operation. You probably would make a cute girl, with your body build. But, you'd never have my babies because sex change operations don't work that way."

"I know that!"

"If things ever went that far, I suppose we could adopt children, but I don't imagine either one of us would be good parents. Yes, it would probably be a terrible idea."

Light said, "You want me to get a sex change."

"I only mentioned it because you seemed so enamored with the idea of being female."

Light hissed, "What you're saying is that you might consider dating me if I get a sex change operation?"

"Yes, I might. But going through the process of hormone therapy and surgery takes a long time, so it would probably be at least a year in the future before any date would be possible. I will keep the same cellphone. Call me if you want."

"You're baiting me just to see if I'll do it!"

L put his hands in his pockets and began walking away. "There's an eighty percent possibility that's true."

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

In this chapter, L is a cold, manipulative bastard, but then canon L is too. I'll leave it up to the reader to decide if L has a real attraction to Light or if he's just messing with him. I'm not going to write additional chapters of post-op girl!Light and L dating; I'm ending the fic here.

I do wish there were more fics out there that had heterosexual L and homosexual Light with a crush on L. There's a lot of potential for humor and other interesting explorations of the concept, and I think it's a lot easier to believe canon Light is homosexual. Canon L has always struck me as a mostly asexual person with heterosexual leanings. And, most Death Note fanfic writers want L and Light to get together, and having a one-way attraction between homosexual Light and heterosexual L would get in the way of the sex.

This ended up being a bait-and-switch Mpreg. It seems as if it will be an actual Mpreg fic from the title, but then it just ends up being about L and Light talking about Mpreg. If you were looking for real Mpreg, sorry to disappoint you. The closest thing I've got to real Mpreg right now is "Shinigami Facts of Life" which is actually more in the horror/crack genre and probably isn't what most Mpreg fans are looking for either.

I put a lot of things in "Magical Assbabies" that often end up in Death Note badfic (though I want to say, just because you've used one or more stereotypical or overused plot twists or devices, it doesn't mean your fic is bad. It is entirely possible to write a story that is full of clichés that is also wonderful and entertaining, and you don't necessarily have to go the parody route either. It's harder to do successfully, but I've seen many authors do it).

These stereotypical/overused things in "Magical Assbabies" include:

(1) Light confessing he is Kira early in the fic without much internal struggle or reason to

(2) Overwhelming sexual desire that seems to arise very suddenly

(3) L telling Light his name without much reason to

(4) Light accepting, without any proof, that L has told him L's real name, not a false one, despite L's long history of deception and tricks

All four of these things are very common in badly written fics about L and Light getting involved with each other in a romantic/sexual way. Number 2 is largely forgivable in PWP (porn without plot) because if you spend too long working up to the sex, it's not really PWP anymore. Also, if you basically want what is little more than a sex scene, then trying to shove too much plot into a small fic just ends up making it into badfic anyway, so it defeats the purpose.

In longer works that aren't PWP, number 2 is probably the easiest problem to overcome simply because the canon versions of L and Light have something resembling sexual tension in their interactions (even if they both seem rather asexual in canon, it is true that they are very strongly interested in each other and their personalities fit well).

Both number 1 and number 3 can be overcome by taking a longer time to work up to the confession/admission and finding in-character reasons why such a drastic event would happen. Even so, it's difficult to make Light confess he's Kira or make L tell his real name because such actions would ordinarily be OOC for them. Both of them are paranoid liars. Even if they were deeply in love with each other, trust would be a difficult issue in their relationship. Putting yourself in a position where you'd get killed the instant the other person proved untrustworthy or had a doubt isn't what paranoid, genius liars do with each other. It can be made realistic and in-character, but I don't see that very often.

In fact, even with drugging the hell out of Light, I'm not sure I actually made this confession IC for him. It's pretty far from Light's usual personality for him to do it at all, let alone so suddenly and completely. Light is so on guard, so used to hiding his feelings, that I don't think drugging him would result in a confession. Depending on the circumstances, drugs may make it easier to trick him into letting a clue slip, but he probably wouldn't outright say he was Kira.

This is one of the reasons why I made it a fictional mixture of drugs. There aren't real drugs that just make criminals confess, so I thought that taking some fictional liberties and inventing something much stronger than what actually exists in the real world might make Light's confession more believable. I still think the whole scene strains the suspension of disbelief, though. :(

I hope "Magical Assbabies" is funny. I have the feeling that I didn't make this as funny as it was in my imagination when the plot bunny spawned in my mind. I know that merely imitating the characteristics of badfic doesn't make a fic into a hilarious parody. If that were true, then most of the "My Immortal" (a famous Harry Potter fanfic) imitations would be funny. In reality, less than ten percent of them are even readable. Deliberately trying to be bad often results in something that is actually bad instead of bad-but-funny.

If this fic isn't funny, I apologize. In my defense, I can only say that some plot bunnies gnaw at my brain until I write them (especially, it seems, when I actually need to be working on long, popular fics such as "Fever Dreams") and I can't seem to get the creative juices flowing for the fics everyone is waiting for me to update until after I work on whichever plot bunny is currently gnawing my brain.

This fanfic was submitted for the prompt "Week #98 - Pregnancy" on dn_contest (Death Note Fanfiction Contest) on livejournal. It did not win and only got one comment. There were some other entries for that prompt that were really good, including the winning entry "Secrets" by faustian_angel7, which is incredibly chilling and dark (in a good way).


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